“Don’t worry, I got this covered.”
Everyone has that moment. That moment when you’ve just left the car and are about to step into your house or dorm. Or about to key into your office for another day full of uneventful work. You reach down your purse or pocket for your keys, and are dumbfounded when you grab a full load of nothing. Nada. You may be grabbing that old mint you left in there weeks ago, but no keys. We’ve all had this happen to us at least once, in many different situations and locations, but yet we all react the same way. Based on the Kubler-Ross model, here are the five stages of grief we go through whenever we lose our keys.
Stage 1: Denial- “I didn’t lose my keys”
“That’s not possible!” you think to yourself, as you check your other pockets. “Surely, I must have them.” Despite the fact that we are beings of routine, that we always put our things in the same place in our pockets/purses/bags for the sake of convenience, you believe that this one time, for one reason or another, you decided to switch things up. Why? Who knows? Maybe you were feeling feisty. Maybe you were bored with the direction your life was headed, so you felt that the rebellion of switching up the location of your keys was a minor victory in a world full of predictable mediocrity.
Whatever the reason, you decide to check every nook and cranny of your person, even going so far as to check the very same pocket again! Surely you must have not dug deep enough the first time. Maybe you’ll find it there the second time you look. Right.
Stage 2: Anger- “Why did I lose my keys?!”
Once you’ve come to the startling realization that you have, in fact, lost your keys, a surge of anger kicks in. First, you blame yourself. If only you had checked before you left the house. If only you had them in your hand the whole time, then you would always know where they were. If only.
Then, you blame others. You quickly think back through your day to figure out who is to blame for this scathing revelation. Your friends who invited you to dinner, giving you a chance to lose your keys there? The cashier who forced you to pay for your groceries, making you reach in to pull out money, taking out your keys in the process? Your significant other, whose couch may have decided to devour the contents of your pockets, never to be seen again? There are just so many to blame, and so little time!
Stage 3: Bargaining- “Maybe I can still find them”
Still holding on to that last glimmer of hope, you immediately begin to problem solve. The situation is not truly lost, or so you believe. Perhaps you can retrace your steps. Surely, you’ll be able to remember exactly where you last saw them. Maybe you still have time to run back and grab them.
This is usually the time when you wonder whether or not this is an issue that’s big enough to concede to a higher power. If you are the religious type, is this a prayer-worthy situation? You wonder if God would appreciate you using His time for something as trivial as losing your keys. Even if you are not religious, this is about the time when you wonder if this was some sort of predetermined plan for you to lose your keys, some sort of cosmic fate that would result in this scenario regardless of what you did. This is the time when you wonder what you can do to change your fate, to undo that which has been so unjustfully done.
But then, you get the startling realization which leads to…
Stage 4: Depression: “I won’t find my keys. My life may be ruined.”
All hope is lost. You’ve finally realized that you are not going to find these keys in time to open this door. Your life, just like your passage through this door, has come to a complete halt.
With nothing else to do but wallow in your own thoughts, you begin to wonder what really happened to those keys. What if you dropped them somewhere public? What if someone found them and now has access to all of your personal things? They can get into your house, your car, and that love locket your bff gave you when you were 14.
And what of you? Where do you keep the spare keys? Now you’ll have to go to the locksmith to make yourself another copy. Do locksmiths even exist anymore? You’ll probably have to spend hours at Wal-mart having to locate the locksmith section to make you a key copy! Dang it, are they in housewares or electronics?!
As your thoughts into your keys’ future spiral out of control, you are finally ready to move into the final phase:
Stage 5: Acceptance- “I lost my keys, and that’s okay.”
Finally free of despair and resentment, you finally come to terms with the departure of your keys. You realize that sitting around, moping, is not going to get you into that door. Now is the time to call that friend or family member who holds your spare to come get you. Or to call campus security to let you back into your dorm. Or wait for a nice enough colleague to arrive at work to use their master key to open your office. Regardless of what happens, you know you are going to be late. Late to work, late to that meeting, or even late to bed. But that’s okay. You’ve realized that at this point, there is nothing you can do to change your fate, but to get that door open somehow and solve your key problem later. You will live to see another day, and likely lose another set of keys.
Twas the night before finals, in the dorms they all sat
Not a student was partying, not even the frat.
The books all piled up to the top of the room,
Only 12 hours left ‘till they head to their doom.
The freshmen were cramming it all in their heads,
Not a single Facebook status was left unread.
My roommate in her pj’s, and I in my slacks,
Trying to find a way to relax.
When out in the hallway there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the chair to see what was the matter.
I opened the door to a delightful surprise,
My friends were leaving to get burgers and fries.
I said to myself, “It’s early enough,
And studying while hungry can be a bit rough.”
So, I put on my coat and I put on my shoes,
And we went to get food, some snacks, and some booze.
After a ride into town, and a little bit of fun,
I came back to my room, a quarter past one.
Less than eight hours to go before my exam,
And three different subjects for me to cram!
I grabbed my first book and as I sat on my desk,
I said, “There’s no way I can work in this mess!”
So hyped up on sugar and lots of caffeine,
I put down the books ‘till the room was all clean.
I looked at my clock and saw it was three,
I cried, “How could this happen to me?”
“I really hope they offer extra credit!”
Is what I posted on Twitter and Reddit.
And then, with a buzzing, I felt in my pants,
I just got a Snapchat from my buddy in France.
He was studying abroad and his finals were done,
He sent me a pic going down a ski run.
Depressed and distraught, I went back to my book,
It was an e-version that I bought for my Nook.
The miniscule font was driving me insane,
And searching for the settings proved to be a pain.
Fraught with pure anger and in such disarray,
I did the unthinkable and tossed my e-reader away!
It hit my left bedpost which cracked the display.
I let out a sigh. “This just isn’t my day.”
As I sat at my desk and worked on some math,
The undercooked meat I ate unleashed its wrath.
Propped on the toilet I held on for dear life,
As I let out a fudge bomb that stung like a knife.
Though tired and stressed, I still studied some more,
while trying to drown out my roommate’s snore.
Ticking and tocking teased that damn clock,
As if poking fun at my mental block.
But I studied and studied every chapter and section,
Memorized my terms to the point of perfection.
There was really no more I could do to prepare,
But to show up to class with a hope and a prayer.
Later that morning, I sprang out of class,
With a skip in my step, with a notion I passed.
“What do we do now?” asked my friends in delight.
“Well, my finals are over, so to all a good-night!”
In high school… you don’t want to leave the house.
In college… your parents don’t want you to leave the house.
In high school… your teachers never leave the school
In college… you never leave the school
In high school… once school was done, you were done.
In college… once school is done, your day is just getting started.
- “This isn’t what I had in mind when I joined the forestry club.”
In high school… you have to deal with the burn-outs.
In college… you can leave them behind.
In high school… you get picked on for liking nerdy things.
In college… nerdy things make you popular.
In high school… social status meant everything.
In college… no one cares.
In high school… sleep was for the weak.
In college… sleep is the greatest gift ever.
In high school… you cannot wait to be an adult.
In college… you wish you were a kid again.
We’ve all heard that college is a time to let loose and live a little, but these college-related headlines of 2013 really take that to the next level. From ball-riding to abortion battles, university life is full of crazy shenanigans that… strangely enough… don’t involve alcohol.
5. Kansas University boobs website told to cease and desist for selling merchandise.
In an effort to support their sports team, the Kansas Jayhawks, the students of Kansas University started a unique cheering campaign called KU Boobs. Which, as the name implies, consists of various pics of female KU students displaying their cleavage in support of their team. It started with one random student showing her support with the use of a cell phone camera. A twitter account was started shortly after, and sure enough, the twitter account had over 56,000 followers within a short span of time. More information of the story can be found in this Huffington Post news article.
The university, understandably, sent a cease and desist letter to the owners of the twitter account. By this point, the group had a Facebook page, Tumblr page, and many campuses across the country had created their own versions of the group. But here’s where the headline really gets crazy. The university didn’t have a problem with the KU Boobs movement; they had a problem with the merchandise they were selling.
On his own Twitter feed, Athletic Director Jim Marchiony had the following thing to say:
“We’ve asked them to stop selling that merchandise, not to shut down the Twitter account. Rock Chalk!”
So, in essence, they had no problem with the sites that used KU’s name, just the merchandise that used KU’s name.
4. University of Texas conservative students hold an affirmative action bake sale.
Fundraisers are a normal part of having a student organization. And for many, fighting for a cause is another. However, few organizations have incorporated the two in a way that the Young Conservatives of Texas did at the University of Texas.
In an effort to demonstrate that affirmative action is “demeaning to minorities”, the group decided to hold a bake sale. However, in this bake sale, the price of the baked goods differed based on your race and your gender. White students had to pay the highest amount, while Native American students paid the lowest price.
Gregory J. Vincent, the university vice president for diversity and community engagement, called the bake sale “inflammatory and demeaning,” as well as “deplorable.” Defenders of the bake sale claimed that they were standing up for America.
3. NYC College students pretend to kill babies in an “Abortion Battles” game.
The New York Post has an article on a video that went viral that included some college students in NYC filmed playing a game called “Abortion Battles”. The game consists of two students who put a balloon under their shirt, then proceed to joust at each other until one pretends to kill the baby of the other.
Seriously, you cannot make this stuff up. Here’s the footage of the game in action:
Marco Rosales, who posted the video, wrote, “We were introduced to this epic game called `Abortion Battles.’ It’s somewhat unorthodox, but it’s really fun! Lol!.”
Such a game drew controversy nationwide, with many spokespeople voicing their opinion on the tastelessness of the game. University officials made it clear that this was something concocted by the students, and was in no way a university-sanctioned event.
2. University of Michigan takes down wrecking ball sculpture after students attempted to ride it… naked.
A giant pendulum in Grand Valley State University in Michigan had to be taken down after students attempted to straddle it naked, according to an article by NY Daily News.
The reason they did it? They were attempting to replicate Miley Cyrus’ new “Wrecking Ball” video.
‘The ball has been taken down due to the safety hazard of people riding on it,’ according to a student-run university Twitter account, which quoted a dean.
Dozens of pictures and videos popped up almost overnight of students riding the public art display.
1. Chinese students attend a cram school from hell to qualify for college entrance exams.
The Chinese equivalent to the American SATs or ACTs is a hypercompetitive college entrance exam, which according to a popular saying, resembles an army of 10,000 students rushing across a narrow log.
The test lasts about two to three days, lasts 17 hours a day, and goofing off can get you arrested. What’s more, the score you get on this test comprises the majority of your college application. If you don’t meet the university’s minimum scores, you have no chance of getting in. To make things worse, the requirements for poorer students from rural areas are higher than those of the wealthier students who live in the city near the universities.
And to make things worse, the questions range from the medium-difficulty SAT questions in American exams, to really bizarre questions such as this one:
“It flies upward, and a voice asks if it is tired. It says, ‘No.’
An article on this Australian news site talks about particular schools students attend such as Maotanchang High School. These schools are known as “cram schools”, where they use military-style test prep to get students ready for the gaokao (the name of the college entrance exam). These schools are big business. They attract students and families from all over the country, and they carry quite a hefty price, costing as much as $8,000 for the cram program.
Inside the walls of these schools, students study all day, every day. Their methods can sometimes be considered extreme. One of the classrooms, for example, is equipped with intravenous drips filled with amino acid to assist students (seen in picture above). These schools are typically located in small towns, and their success makes the town’s economy completely revolve around them.
So the next time you have to stress about choosing the right college or university, at least keep in mind that your barrier to entry is nothing like this.